today

i slept in 1 hour increments. the dreams started again. i FUCKIN hate you today...so i guess im back to square one. starting over the healing process. im going to survive i got great people around me. things to look forward to. you are nothing. you chose to be evil and cruel. i am not that. i will never be that. your new girlfriend is a skanky bleached out blond slut. im just sayin

Evanescence - My immortal (with lyrics)

lyrics for avril lavigne one of those girls

why am i here?

I am not a good writer… I just kinda write like I talk…
Most people are pretty familiar with my long relationship with my ex and the ups and downs and the tears and the smiles and the rollercoaster of emotions I was on. We recently broke up and I have not dealt with it very well. I have hit an all time low. I have been told that I need to get it all out…tell people how I feel…express myself, etc, etc… Although so many of my friends are on FB, there are also others that I really don’t want knowing what is going on in my head. So this page is for my friends, whoever wanders across it and anyone who cares to listen to my chaotic days…where the battle between my heart and mind spill out into jumbled sentences on this “online diary” as I consider it. Everyone goes through painful stuff and I know that. I can’t seem to get myself back on track since he is gone. I try to add music on here, lyrics and speak to him about how I feel with out directly contacting him. I’ve been told the only way to get accept this is to stop contacting him. I admit I have done a lot of begging, texting, calling, emailing and lots of crying. I’m not ashamed. I feel crushed. I lost the person I considered my best friend, the person I loved with such a passion… a love that no one else understood.
He won’t talk to me. He wont answer me...He doesn’t seem sorry. He feels the things he did are justified by his fundamentals and principles. Since he and I can’t get anywhere in discussions because he cuts me off or the discussions just get too heated to be logical. I’ll talk to him through this and get everything out of my system so I can heal. I doubt he’ll ever read any of them but what can I do? I have to get better. I don’t get closure from him so I have to try to find it myself. The rollercoaster ride is over but I’m still strapped into the seat begging to go one more time.
I hope this blog helps me realize that the ride is over and the park is closed…its time to go home…and wait til a new ride opens up…

Boyz II Men - Water Runs Dry

in my dreams

you told me you wanted me out of your life. but you keep haunting my dreams. i see you all over me in my head...you fulfill my fantasies in my head.....

you didnt ask permission to enter. i wish you would stop

Nelly Furtado - In God's Hands

My body aches,
Tryin to go back in time but there's no way
I close my eyes,
But when I do all I'm seeing is his face
It's hard to breathe
Kinda feel like the walls are closing in
Was just a touch,
So tell me why I still feel him on my skin
And if you see him...
Tell him I love him, tell him I love him,
Tell him I love him say,
He Left me to die, at the Scene of the Crime
Can't believe I let it happen this way
I had it planned right in front of my face
Stole my heart then he walked away
And he left me to die at the Scene of the crime..
This body heat,
Sending a fire burning on the floor
Got close enough,
To give me a fever never felt before,
I close my eyes,
Imagine him taking anything he wants,
So criminal,
Though it's magic how he disappeared, he's gone
If anybody sees him...
He Left me to die, at the Scene of the Crime
Can't believe I let it happen this way
I had it planned right in front of my face
Stole my heart then he walked away
And he left me to die at the Scene of the crime..
At the scene of the crime!
Yeah He did! Oh-Oh!
He left me to die at the scene of the crime!
Tell him I love him, tell him I love him,
Tell him I love him say
Can't believe I let it happen this way
I had it planned right in front of my eyes
Stole my heart then he walked away
And he left me to die at the Scene of the crime..
At the scene of the crime!
Can't believe I let it happen tonight
I let him take it right in front of my eyes,
Stole my heart that controlled our lives
Then he left me to die at the Scene of the crime
At the Scene of the Crime.. The Scene of the Crime!

your love...lyrics

Maybe I need some rehab, or maybe just need some sleep
I've got a sick obsession, I'm seeing it in my dreams
I'm looking down every alley, I'm making those desperate calls
Im staying up all night hoping, Hit my head against the walls
What you've got boy is hard to find
Think about it all about it all the time
I'm all strung up my heart is fried
I just cant get you off my mind
Because your love, your love, your love, is my drug
Your love your love your love
Won't listen to any advice, mamma's telling me to think twice
But left to my own devices i'm addicted its a crisis!
My friends think I've gone crazy, my judgment is getting kinda hazy
My status is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a love sick crackhead
What you've got boy is hard to find
Think about it all about it all the time
I'm all strung up my heart is fried
I just cant get you off my mind
Because your love, your love, your love, is my drug
Your love your love your love
I don't care what people say
The rush is worth the price I pay
I get so high when you're with me
But crash and crave you when you are away
So I got a question;
Do you want to have a summer party in my basement?
Do I make your heart beat like a native drum?
Is my love, your drug?
(huh) Your drug? (huh) your drug? (huh) your drug?
Is my love, your drug?

the kill

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do? (Oh, oh)
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you (from you)

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.

Ah, ah
Oh, oh
Ah, ah

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you.
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)

(You say you wanted more)
What if I wanted to break...?
(What are you waiting for?)
Bury me, bury me
(I'm not running from you)
What if I
What if I
What if I
What if I
Bury me, bury me

i...

cant breathe. i remember the nite. replays in my head over and over. so empty. im out of words. its done. its over. nothing left but lingering pain. he took my heart with him. im hollow.

I hate the way he can make me go from the happiest person on earth to not being able to get out of the bed. I thought things had started over, that things were “rebooting” a he says about his brain. All the signs seemed to be there. It seemed pretty clear that we were right back in it again. Favors, questions, comments, talking, laughing; there was conversation and there were comfortable silences. Then after a few days of having fun and things being good I found that he had some stuff hanging on his bulletin board…the one i gave him…there was a dated piece of paper from another girl saying I love you. This was hanging right over my chaos sign I had made for him. All these little things that don’t matter to him hurt me. Shes just a friend…. It echos through my head and him denying anything happened. I want to believe him. i tried to calm myself. I stood in the doorway. He wanted me to leave because I was being inconsiderate of his time. He had stuff to do. He wanted to be alone. I asked him if I could stay. He said no. I was being inconsiderate of his needs.
I asked him what was going on. If we were together. He looked at me shocked…like I was crazy….what gave you that idea?….thats essentially what he said.” No we aren’t together.” I felt my heart sink. It had been beating so well. There was so little pain. I was happy. Until that very moment. It felt like fire was going through my body. I felt pain searing through me. A slow motion picture show flashed through my head of the past few days. All the reasons I thought we were together again.
I walked away and got in the car. I was afraid I would pass out from the pain. I had to drive away. His I love you echoed through my head. I had just spent a few great days with him. I had been so happy. He had seemed happy. It was all nothing to him. he gotten what he wanted. I was free to go. He had his bottle and I was left with nothing again. He didn’t shed any tears. He didn’t stay up worrying about me. he doesn’t care. I ask questions and get no reply of course not. He got what he wanted. He had the bottle in his pocket. What did it matter that he had hurt me. in his reality its only him. im just a fill in for when he cant find someone else.

...

i cant sleep. every nite i wake up through the whole nite. wish people had to ask permission before they enter your dreams. im angry and hurt. i think its what keeps me up all the time. today is going to be a long day. work and wedding rehearsal and dinner. gotta put on my happy face bc two of my best friends are getting married. i gotta be happy that someone is in mutual love. i wish i didnt feel like i was going to puke every five minutes. my nerves are so shot. im cant wait until monday. im ready for my new therapist. hoping she can shine some light on this dark time. cuz i feel like dying.

does anyone feel like this?

I fight back the tears. Hold my breath thinking it will stop them from flowing. Im spinning. I feel erratic and chaotic. I choke down the pill that is supposed to balance out my anxiety. It’s seems like it doesn’t work. I need something stronger. I can’t seem to get anything out that doesn’t sound like babble. I have so many thoughts that race and seem to smash into one another. Can’t seem to finish one thought at a time.
I can’t breathe. I feel like something is laying on my chest. It eases for a minute and then I start to get dizzy again and lose my breath. I sleep for about three hours a nite. I wake up constantly crying or freaking out. Its like the panic cant cease even when I sleep. You seem to be in my dreams every nite. You are on my mind at so many times during the day. Its hard for me to leave the house. i keep making myself because i know I cant let myself just shrivel up and die. Even though that is what I want.
I feel like a failure. I feel like I cant do anything right. I keep wishing I could have not said some of the things I said to you. One minute I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I feel hate. I feel pain. Then it passes and I feel love, sadness and lonely with out you. I wanna run to you. I want you to open the door and hold me in your arms and tell me you feel like that too. I want for a moment for everything to stop the moment to only be about us. Complete understanding and complete comfort for both of us.
Does anyone understand how I feel? Does anyone know what this feels like? Am I losing my mind? Why do I feel ok one moment but feel like I am ten times worse another? I feel like I am in prison. I feel like I keep locking the door on myself.
I know I need to stop. I know i don’t need to be in love with you. I know that you don’t want me. I know ur fine with out me. I know your happy with out me. I know you can go on without a second thought about me. You make it clear but I still cant let go.
I tell myself over and over that if you loved me you wouldn’t ignore me. I wouldn’t be so easy for you to walk away.
“I used you for everything I could” I repeat it to myself hoping it will make things clear, make the love go away. Convince myself that you mean what you said. But I think about the times when things felt right. When we drove around and you leaned towards me. Shoulder to shoulder. Or when you kissed my shoulder. I think about the times when you looked at me and said “your so beautiful” and kissed me. I think of the times you wrapped yourself around me and said that “we fit” and that “everything feels right” I remember us dancing. Body against body. I rememeber how calm I felt even when we were in the same room doing two different things.
I remember when you told me I was disgusting. When you told me you hated me. When you told me to get out. I remember how bad it hurt. All these things get overshadowed by the good feelings. I tell myself to let it go. But not even for a second does the love fade.
I wonder pretty often if there was anything that stuck out about me. Are there things that remind you of me? Do you have moments when you feel really sad and want to reach out to me but stop yourself?
Is there anything that makes you smile when you think about me?
I’m mad. I wish I could go back in time and erase the things that make you not want to be with me. I want to scream and yell and hurt the people that have hurt you. The people that made you not want to feel again. I cant understand why anyone would want to hurt you or cheat on you. I don’t know why anyone would treat you bad.
I think those people did this to you. Keep you from opening your heart. Make you feel the way you do about things.
There is nothing special about me. Im just me. I haven’t done anything life altering. Im not famous. Im not gorgeous. Im just plain,. All I can offer is my heart and my ability to care and struggle through the good and bad times. I can be devoted. I can love you with my whole heart. I listen more than you think. I remember details. I know what you like and dislike. I know your moods. I wonder about you all the time. Wonder what you are doing. Who your talking to. About what? I wonder if you feel as sad as I do. I wonder if your hurting. I wonder if this chaos will stop. I wonder when I am going to be ok.
I asked for help. Going to the doctor hasn’t helped. “ Its going to be a long road. You have a lot of history. Its going to hurt but you cant stop moving. You cant lay down and die. He is living without you. You have to learn to do the same, no… its not going to go away over nite. No I don’t have a cure for heartbreak you have to find it within you. Its normal for you to feel this way. Its going to stop. it will get better”
I ask myself if we are so different in our views…why does it feel like we were supposed to meet..supposed to be together? Why does it feel like a part of me died when you left. Why cant I breathe? Why cant I see a future with out you. How do I make this stop? how do I get you back in my life? How do I go on? Why cant you see? Why cant you be with me? Why cant I be without you?
Here comes the rush of thoughts. Nothing makes sense. Im spinning. Im going to cry. My chest feels tight. I want to talk to you I want to see you. Please someone help me. Make this go away or make me feel whole again.

ak1200
drowning...
Stay with me just for today,
Let your soul come and rest for a minute now,
Share your mind if you have some time, I would love to sit and talk to you.
I will wait if you ask me to but I won't stay here forever now.
I know your heart could keep me warm if you let me stay.
I feel that your eyes won't open
and these dreams, my heart I can't deceive them.
Maybe the moon will come down and save me
Maybe your eyes will stop me from falling
Oh, I'm drowning, yeah
What can I say? What can I do? Is there anyway to get through to you.
I'll put myself into your shoes and I'll walk around these streets of yours.
It's cold outside where you stay but my heart is not far away.
So take a breath and close your eyes. I want to hold you.
I feel that your eyes won't open
and these dreams, my heart I can't deceive them.
Maybe the moon will come down and save me
Maybe your eyes will stop me from falling
Oh, I'm drowning, yeah