I hate the way he can make me go from the happiest person on earth to not being able to get out of the bed. I thought things had started over, that things were “rebooting” a he says about his brain. All the signs seemed to be there. It seemed pretty clear that we were right back in it again. Favors, questions, comments, talking, laughing; there was conversation and there were comfortable silences. Then after a few days of having fun and things being good I found that he had some stuff hanging on his bulletin board…the one i gave him…there was a dated piece of paper from another girl saying I love you. This was hanging right over my chaos sign I had made for him. All these little things that don’t matter to him hurt me. Shes just a friend…. It echos through my head and him denying anything happened. I want to believe him. i tried to calm myself. I stood in the doorway. He wanted me to leave because I was being inconsiderate of his time. He had stuff to do. He wanted to be alone. I asked him if I could stay. He said no. I was being inconsiderate of his needs.
I asked him what was going on. If we were together. He looked at me shocked…like I was crazy….what gave you that idea?….thats essentially what he said.” No we aren’t together.” I felt my heart sink. It had been beating so well. There was so little pain. I was happy. Until that very moment. It felt like fire was going through my body. I felt pain searing through me. A slow motion picture show flashed through my head of the past few days. All the reasons I thought we were together again.
I walked away and got in the car. I was afraid I would pass out from the pain. I had to drive away. His I love you echoed through my head. I had just spent a few great days with him. I had been so happy. He had seemed happy. It was all nothing to him. he gotten what he wanted. I was free to go. He had his bottle and I was left with nothing again. He didn’t shed any tears. He didn’t stay up worrying about me. he doesn’t care. I ask questions and get no reply of course not. He got what he wanted. He had the bottle in his pocket. What did it matter that he had hurt me. in his reality its only him. im just a fill in for when he cant find someone else.