does anyone feel like this?

I fight back the tears. Hold my breath thinking it will stop them from flowing. Im spinning. I feel erratic and chaotic. I choke down the pill that is supposed to balance out my anxiety. It’s seems like it doesn’t work. I need something stronger. I can’t seem to get anything out that doesn’t sound like babble. I have so many thoughts that race and seem to smash into one another. Can’t seem to finish one thought at a time.
I can’t breathe. I feel like something is laying on my chest. It eases for a minute and then I start to get dizzy again and lose my breath. I sleep for about three hours a nite. I wake up constantly crying or freaking out. Its like the panic cant cease even when I sleep. You seem to be in my dreams every nite. You are on my mind at so many times during the day. Its hard for me to leave the house. i keep making myself because i know I cant let myself just shrivel up and die. Even though that is what I want.
I feel like a failure. I feel like I cant do anything right. I keep wishing I could have not said some of the things I said to you. One minute I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I feel hate. I feel pain. Then it passes and I feel love, sadness and lonely with out you. I wanna run to you. I want you to open the door and hold me in your arms and tell me you feel like that too. I want for a moment for everything to stop the moment to only be about us. Complete understanding and complete comfort for both of us.
Does anyone understand how I feel? Does anyone know what this feels like? Am I losing my mind? Why do I feel ok one moment but feel like I am ten times worse another? I feel like I am in prison. I feel like I keep locking the door on myself.
I know I need to stop. I know i don’t need to be in love with you. I know that you don’t want me. I know ur fine with out me. I know your happy with out me. I know you can go on without a second thought about me. You make it clear but I still cant let go.
I tell myself over and over that if you loved me you wouldn’t ignore me. I wouldn’t be so easy for you to walk away.
“I used you for everything I could” I repeat it to myself hoping it will make things clear, make the love go away. Convince myself that you mean what you said. But I think about the times when things felt right. When we drove around and you leaned towards me. Shoulder to shoulder. Or when you kissed my shoulder. I think about the times when you looked at me and said “your so beautiful” and kissed me. I think of the times you wrapped yourself around me and said that “we fit” and that “everything feels right” I remember us dancing. Body against body. I rememeber how calm I felt even when we were in the same room doing two different things.
I remember when you told me I was disgusting. When you told me you hated me. When you told me to get out. I remember how bad it hurt. All these things get overshadowed by the good feelings. I tell myself to let it go. But not even for a second does the love fade.
I wonder pretty often if there was anything that stuck out about me. Are there things that remind you of me? Do you have moments when you feel really sad and want to reach out to me but stop yourself?
Is there anything that makes you smile when you think about me?
I’m mad. I wish I could go back in time and erase the things that make you not want to be with me. I want to scream and yell and hurt the people that have hurt you. The people that made you not want to feel again. I cant understand why anyone would want to hurt you or cheat on you. I don’t know why anyone would treat you bad.
I think those people did this to you. Keep you from opening your heart. Make you feel the way you do about things.
There is nothing special about me. Im just me. I haven’t done anything life altering. Im not famous. Im not gorgeous. Im just plain,. All I can offer is my heart and my ability to care and struggle through the good and bad times. I can be devoted. I can love you with my whole heart. I listen more than you think. I remember details. I know what you like and dislike. I know your moods. I wonder about you all the time. Wonder what you are doing. Who your talking to. About what? I wonder if you feel as sad as I do. I wonder if your hurting. I wonder if this chaos will stop. I wonder when I am going to be ok.
I asked for help. Going to the doctor hasn’t helped. “ Its going to be a long road. You have a lot of history. Its going to hurt but you cant stop moving. You cant lay down and die. He is living without you. You have to learn to do the same, no… its not going to go away over nite. No I don’t have a cure for heartbreak you have to find it within you. Its normal for you to feel this way. Its going to stop. it will get better”
I ask myself if we are so different in our views…why does it feel like we were supposed to meet..supposed to be together? Why does it feel like a part of me died when you left. Why cant I breathe? Why cant I see a future with out you. How do I make this stop? how do I get you back in my life? How do I go on? Why cant you see? Why cant you be with me? Why cant I be without you?
Here comes the rush of thoughts. Nothing makes sense. Im spinning. Im going to cry. My chest feels tight. I want to talk to you I want to see you. Please someone help me. Make this go away or make me feel whole again.